The third day of every month is hard. Each third day of the month marks another month that's gone by since we lost my dad. Today will be 11 months. That means that next month will be a year. I can't believe that. So much has happened in a year. Most days I just get a "punch in the gut" feeling and it will hit me that he's gone. Almost like i'd forgotten. How did this happen?? How can a year change so much in your life?? I went to pick up my car from the mechanic recently and the guy couldn't find my account under my name. The owner, a family friend, came to help the guy and said "it's under Ian". Again - that "punch in the gut" feeling. My dad always handled our cars. It was just his thing. He loved cars. I think he was a frustrated mechanic at heart.
This third of November is a little different. Today wasn't any easier than any of the previous 11 months, but I do have something else on my mind this month. It's impossible to not think about this little life that is growing inside of me. I know he's a gift from my dad. I know that I would not be pregnant if we hadn't lost dad. I know with all my heart that the two go hand in hand. Our baby boy's middle name is Ian. I love that my dad will continue on in our little man. I'll teach him all the things my dad taught me and we'll do all the things that dad would have enjoyed doing with his grandson. He would be such a great "papa/gramps/dude" (all our names for him)
One of the best gifts my parents have given me is a childhood. I had a wonderful one. I have such special memories of growing up always feeling loved and knowing that my parents loved each other. This is what i'll strive to give my son.
As we get closer to the birthday of our baby boy next week - I know dad is looking down from above and smiling.
I miss you pappa. Each day every day. I'm so grateful for these memories:
Your dad would be so excited for little Connor's birth!! He was such an incredible man and an amazing dad to you three girls. Definitely something I admired.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally feel the same way about not having been pregnant if it weren't for your dad's/my brother's (in my case) death. It amazes me how God's timing is perfect. I know neither of our bodies could have handled pregnancy with what we've been through in the last year/year-and-a-half. I know you'll only be a better mom because of it. And I love your outlook on teaching little Connor all that your dad taught you... makes me want a little boy too. :)
You're going to be such a great mom and aunt. I'm excited for you this week! And thinking of you too... I know that with all the joy that will be in your heart on Thursday, there will also be a hint of sadness that your dad isn't there to see it. I get that... I'm expecting that as well. But I know your dad would be so thrilled. And I love that he lives on each of you. Love you, Tarryn!